Football pundits – Ultimate XI

The best pundits, critics, presenters and commentators for the game we all know and love.

As you may have noticed, I have a bit of an issue with ex-professional sportsmen just hanging up their boots, walking into a newsroom, and being handed a top quality job on a plate. I mean John Barnes is the most hopeless pundit there has been on TV, even if it was only on channel Five, and David Pleat doesn’t have a clue but just loves messing about with that chalkboard feature at The Guardian.

But anyway, I decided to set this feud aside for the moment, and evaluate the contributions of those in the media to our football viewing pleasure. Who do we appreciate (see below) and who are best forgotten (see above and Mark Lawrenson).

BOB PRIMROSE WILSON (GK) – A stalwart of British football broadcasting on BBC and ITV. His dignified refined manner and caring charitable spirit have earned him an OBE, yet with a middle name being the source of ridicule in the past, a savage side boils just under the surface. A keeper with a complex makes a much more dangerous proposition, so don’t expect any charity in the commentary box Lowro or to get away with any mumblings from Mr Pleat. He won’t take no shit.

ALAN HANSEN (CB) – A wise old head at the back who is still repenting for his comments: “You’ll never win anything with kids”. But thereby lies his value. He’d have plenty to prove to the young start ups coming into the punditry world like that Jamie ‘one suit, Andy Gray suck up’ Redknapp.

MARCEL DESAILLY (CB) – With heart on his sleeve performances and sheer jubilance on the touch lines before a big game, it is clear he’s just happy to be there. Rubbing shoulders with a plethora of footballing greats across Europe and Africa, he has combined a French panache with his Ghanaian gusto to enthrall viewers the world over.

Soccer AM’s TIM LOVEJOY and HELEN CHAMBERLAIN (RB and LB) – Their partnership for the better side of a decade on the Saturday morning show, witnessed more often than is healthy with a pounding dehydrating hang over, did more to whet the appetite for a weekend of football festivities than a lifetime supply of gobstoppers. With these two flanking the hard nuts in the centre, their enthusiasm and joviality would invigorate the Pundit XI, though their repeated attempts at the Cross-Bar challenge could disrupt proceedings slightly.

Tim Lovejoy. Helen Chamberlain. Enough said.

JEFF STELLING (Captain and CM) – With a patented drinking game and forays into day time TV on Countdown, Jeff’s international recognition would be priceless for shirt sales and merchandising. His ability to orchestrate his comrades every frantic Saturday afternoon and his loyal devotion to his hometown club Hartlepool have solidified his symbolic stature and role model capabilities for generations to come.

CHRIS KAMARA (CM) – “It’s unbelievable Jeff!” Chris Kamara truly is just that. A hard man on the pitch and a nutter off it, he has the ability to excite even the most mundane of Middlesbrough matches and his off camera antics would keep studio morale on the up even when the bitter Hansen tries to douse it.

MATT LE TISSIER (RW) – A spot kick expert, he is generally spot-on when it comes to crunch time. With a formidable gut, you know he could handle his bitter on the South coast (better than his weathered colleague Paul Merson), and his aptness for the majestic has been carried over from his playing days to the Soccer Saturday live-commentary team, excelling where the mere mortals of Charlie Nickolas and Phil Thompson simply cannot compete.

GUILLEM BALAGUE (LW) – To satiate Sepp Bleater, we’ve rationed the foreign imports to just two, but drawn the cultured penmanship and multi-lingual abilities of Guillem to these shores. He may like to share a bed with Rafa the gaffer at his beloved Liverpool, but as a shrewd tactician with a continental craftiness, he would be in the know for those vital European fixtures and have the tricks up his sleeve to mesmerise the audience with his Catalan control of the mic. GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL.

Jeff and Chris show just how its done on Sky Sports Soccer Saturday

ANDY GRAY (CF) – He may be a biased bastard but he sure knows a thing or two about the game and can be relied on to have the final astute word. Sky are reportedly throwing 20 grand a week at him and have even introduced that fool Redknapp to whisper sweet nothings in his ear and keep him sweet. Golden Boots, Young Player of the Year and Players’ Player of the Year during his career and a renowned playboy and womanizer off the pitch underline his value to our Pundit XI. Take a bow, son.

MARTIN TYLER (CF) – Like bangers and mash, Torvill and Dean, Kylie and hot pants, the combination of Gray and Tyler makes as much sense as it does quality punditry. Their harmonious collaborations provide perfect symmetry to the football game. As a striking double act for a Commentators XI charity game, in which he scored from an Andy Gray cross, underlines their potency in spearheading this team against all the young pretenders of Setanta and ITV.

DES LYNAM (Manager) – Old Des needs no introducing. His presenting skills span a multitude of formats, fermenting his talents on Match of the Day, before the big eared Lineker filled his boots; a favourite amongst the ladies, young and old, has seen him hold the allure of the feisty Vorderman on Countdown, before Jeff bumped her for a younger model. Similarly to Wilson, an OBE has been his reward for his charismatic performances on the box. And his enigmatic charm, of which Mourinho would be proud, would captivate the press room and inspire the pundit’s dressing room alike. All in a day’s work for Des and his boys.